Paula Bennett’s Christmas Eve poem: An ode to Parliament

OPINION

Former deputy prime Minister Paula Bennett pens a Christmas Eve poem – an ode to Parliament.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and somewhere in the House,

Parliament was sitting, yabba yabba, it was all
mouths,

Speaker Gerry Brownlee tried to keep some control,

But things were being leaked – there was a mole.

Prime Minister Luxon stood, head shiny and just beaming,

“Māori names for departments can have more than one meaning,”

A waka’s not a waka, it shall now be transport,

Kāinga Ora shenanigans – it’s a media rort!

Te Whatu Ora is gone, it’s all about health,

Te Tari Taake is gone, it’s now called “no wealth”,

I will say kia ora, you’re free to say hello,

Aotearoa can be hard, so just say it slow.

Minister Peters grinned and said, “Listen here, sunshine,

“My baubles are shining, it will all be mine,

“I do not share, I will be Deputy Prime Minister,

“Shane Jones spend some money – you will administer.”

David Seymour stood up – “But what about me?

“I did better than him, and I’m the Epsom MP,

“I want partnership schools and regulation

“And Deputy PM – let’s try regurgitation.”

Nicola said, “I want more sausage, not steak,

“The books are in crisis, for goodness’ sake,

“Cut the bureaucracy, it’s become a joke,”

Peters called out, “But make sure they can smoke!”

Meanwhile, Marama shouted and Shaw just looked lost,

Chippy wants to stay leader so has fingers crossed,

Te Pāti Māori want to be known as “no pākehā”,

At least that’s the call of Debbie Ngarewa:

“We won’t swear to the Crown, we will declare to Te Tiriti,

“Mana means more than keeping it pretty,

“We’re angry, we’re mad, and we’re not quite sure why,

“But it is time for Māori to have more of the pie.”

Meanwhile, across this beautiful land,

Christmas Day came and we didn’t give a damn,

Summer is here and we pray for sunshine,

Spark up the barbie – hell, have a wine!

Santa, please deliver, come see us all,

It’s been a tough year – we need a chimney call,

Let Wellington holler, let the pollies have a break,

It is Christmastime after all, for us all to partake.

I do apologise for the poetic licence I have taken!

· Paula Bennett is a former Deputy Prime Minister and National Party politician who now works at Bayleys Real Estate as national director — customer engagement. She is still active within the party, raising millions of dollars in donations for National this year