Wyn Drabble: Have you been anthropomorphising with your plants lately?

OPINION

You might have good reason to wonder about me when you read these three accurate transcripts of dialogues in which I have taken part.

Computer: You have entered an incorrect password for the
second time.

Me: Okay, smartypants, YOU tell me what it is.

Fridge (with door slightly ajar): Beep beep beep beep.

Me: Okay, okay I’ll do it. Can’t you see I’m doing something else at the moment?

Car seatbelt warning: Erkah erkah erkah.

Me: I’m only going to the end of the drive to leave out the recycling bins.

I managed to find a 2021 London study which made me feel a little more normal. The poll of 2000 adult Brits found that more than half routinely chat with inanimate objects at home.

The survey also found that 44 per cent of adults frequently talked with their houseplants and 40 per cent of that group asked their plants if they were thirsty.

Adult: Would you like Perrier or just tap water?

Plant: [Silence]

The next most popular comments were, “You’re getting big,” and “You’re not looking your best.”

Once at our last house, I was weeding along the high fence boundary in the backyard. I was having conversations with weeds when I realised the neighbour was just on the other side of the fence and so was hearing every word. To make them think I wasn’t talking to myself I quickly invented another character.

Me: This is the end of the line for you, weed. Out you come.

Me (adopting a silly, high-pitched, squeaky voice): Okay, but please be gentle.

I think I got away with it.

Anyway, it seems I was in good company. Most respondents in the survey admitted that, during their conversation with an inanimate object, they had been caught in the act by another human. The comforting news is that more than half of these encounters ended in laughter.

The survey also found that more than 25 per cent of their sample had lashed out verbally at an inanimate object, usually an appliance. Twenty-four per cent admitted telling their alarm clock to shut up, around 20 per cent pleaded with their car to keep going when the fuel gauge is near zero and about 10 per cent verbally thanked ATMs for dispensing cash as asked.

Bank customer (retrieving notes): Oh thank you so much!

ATM: [Silence]

I’ll even admit to having a “hospital” for ailing plants. Transferred to pots full of enriched soil, they get put in a sheltered spot and mollycoddled back to health. Some talking is involved.

On talking to plants, there is data going back to the 1700s. Charles Darwin recognised that vibrations encourage plants to grow. It seems you don’t have to talk to the plants directly; as long as you’re near them they can pick up the voice vibrations and therefore the benefits.

One of the studies I read found that plants respond most strongly to voices in the 115-250hz range – whatever that means. Apparently, men’s voices are in the 85-155hz range and women’s 165-255hz so you can draw your own gender-based conclusion.

There is a name for all this talking to non-human entities and giving them human qualities. It is called, anthropomorphism and some experts have linked it to social intelligence.

Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioural science at the University of Chicago, says, “Historically, anthropomorphising has been treated as a sign of childishness or stupidity, but it’s actually a natural byproduct of the tendency that makes humans uniquely smart on this planet. No other species has this tendency.”

The closest plant to me is a potted peace lily so I’ll ask it what it thinks.

Me: What is your opinion of Nicholas Epley’s views on anthropomorphism or even on Darwin’s view that vibrations encourage you to grow?

Peace Lily: [Silence]

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.